Bitter Salt
by DiscordianSamba
Summary: The chocolate that should have been slightly bitter, ended up tasting a bit salty. Valentine's Day oneshot.


**AN** : Happy Valentine's Day, here's a special oneshot for the occasion! Just like _Kamikakushi_ , the oneshot I wrote for Halloween, I decided to publish this one by itself, rather than lump it in with my other oneshots. I hope everyone enjoys, and be sure to tell me what you think! Obviously, I took some creative liberties with a few things, so no need to point that out.

May everyone who didn't get chocolate from anyone today find good discount deals on the leftovers tomorrow.

 **Also, an update on this story** : It has a sequel, by the title of Sour Sugar, so if you want a bit more of this once it's done, go read that one!

* * *

 **Bitter Salt**

 **Characters** : Toyama Kazuha, Hattori Heiji

 **Summary** : The chocolate that should have been slightly bitter, ended up tasting a bit salty.

* * *

When she first heard the news, she had thought it was a bad joke.

When she realized that it was true, it wasn't a feeling that changed. Only now the one making such a tasteless joke wasn't her friend, but fate itself. Otherwise there was no way such a thing could be true.

She had known. She had always known. Ever since he was a child, Heiji was prone to getting himself in trouble. Even if he wasn't looking for it, he would find it- and too often, he _was_ actually looking for it. As he got older, the scale of it grew- from scraped knees, to sprained wrists, to black eyes. As he got older, the scale of the trouble that he looked for increased as well- from playground brawls to murder cases, there was a world of difference. The first time he had been shot, she had thought everything was over- but it had been nowhere close to that. Although it had left a scar, the bullet had left no real lasting damage otherwise, and he had quickly recovered from it.

She was always afraid, in the depths of her heart, that one day something might happen to him- something that he wouldn't get away so easily from. She was always afraid that one day, he might be stolen from her, not by another person, but by something from which she could never get him back. That was why she always insisted that he carry it around with him- the charm that she had poured all of her feelings into, the charm which she had made with her dear hopes that it would protect him from danger.

It could stop a knife.

It couldn't stop a bullet. Especially when there had been more than one.

When she had first heard the news, for a moment, she feared the worst- that Heiji had already left this world, without so much as a goodbye. She knew that there had been something strange about his demeanor when he had left Osaka a week before, promising to her that he had something important to tell her when he got back. She should have recognized that as what it was- a flag for disaster.

But she hadn't known back then, what it was that Heiji had gotten himself involved with. If she had, she would have never let him go, not in a million years. She didn't care how much it was that he wanted to help Kudo Shinichi, he wasn't worth it to that point. It was a thought she would later come to hate herself for, knowing that he was so dear to her good friend, Mouri Ran- but strangely, she could never really regret thinking it.

When she realized that he wasn't dead, she found her breath coming back to her in a gasp. She hadn't even known that it had left her, until that moment. It was as if her world had stopped, grinding to a halt. A world without Heiji... it was something she had experienced once before, in that scant time before he was born. But being without him because he didn't exist yet, and being without him because he had ceased to exist were two very different things indeed.

She didn't even remember how she had gotten to Tokyo. Had she flown? Taken the train? She couldn't recall. She only knew that she was there before she even realized it, having come over in such a hurry that she hadn't even thought to bring anything with her. Still in her school uniform, she had somehow found her way to the hospital that Heiji had been brought to, somehow found her way to those who had already been waiting for news.

Kudo Shinichi wasn't there. In the back of her mind, she recalled that Heiji told her he was heading to Tokyo to help him out for a little while. And yet he wasn't even there. Even though Heiji had been... Heiji had been...

Weren't they _friends_?

She didn't know what she would have done, really, if it weren't for Ran. Even though she had her hands full trying console the deeply shaken Conan, she still found time for her, knowing that her hurt, her pain, ran deeper than anyone else's. She remembered asking her if there was any news, and she remembered wavering on her feet when Ran had told her that Heiji was still in surgery, propped up only by Ran's father, who carefully helped her sit down on a bench.

The first words that Conan spoke to her were an apology. She hadn't understood it then- nor had she understood the deep look of guilt in his eyes. He was just a child, after all, and though she could understand why this had shaken him so badly, given how close the two were, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't a thing that she understood until later- and when she did, it had taken her years to forgive him.

She hadn't understood why there were strange people waiting with them, ones who were obviously not Japanese- it took her a moment to recall that she had actually met that burly German man before. It took her another moment to recall that he was an FBI agent on vacation in Japan, and in that moment, she felt a deep surge of fear in her chest, once more wondering what it was that Heiji had gotten mixed up in that had him in such critical condition now.

He would make it. He would make it. He would _have_ to make it.

Her charm had been clutched so tightly in her hands that the handcuff chain inside left an imprint on her palms. She had asked where Heiji's was, and after a moment of hesitation, Conan carefully pulled it out of his pocket. The strap had been torn, and the fabric had been stained with blood- and for a moment, she turned away from it, unable to bear the sight of it.

When he needed it the most, it had failed him. _She_ had failed him. She hadn't wished hard enough, prayed hard enough when she made it. If she had, then something like this wouldn't be happening right now.

The long moment passed, and she turned back, taking it from Conan, holding it close to her own. The blood on it had already dried, but even it hadn't, she would still clutch it tight, with everything that she had in her. If there really was any power within it, then she wanted to draw it out now. The only thing that she could do now was pray with all her might, pray that it wasn't already time for him to leave her.

She hadn't even heard what it was that he wanted to tell her.

When the glowing red light of the surgery room finally dimmed, Kazuha sprung to her feet so quickly that it made her dizzy. The doctor that came out had a serious look on his face, but not a grim one, and she clung to that hope as she begged him to tell her how Heiji was.

His condition was largely stable, but it would probably be touch and go for the next few days. For the moment, they had done all they could- now all anyone could do was wait.

Was that good news? Was that bad news? She didn't know. She couldn't help but wonder if this was how Heiji felt sometimes- this frustrated feeling of not knowing something, of not being able to piece something together. If it was, then she felt as if she could suddenly understand him a little better, in a way that she hadn't before- it was a feeling that she hated herself, as it turned out.

Thank goodness for Ran, really, who never left her side. She never thought of herself as weak, but she didn't know how she would have survived that time without her there. Conan was always there too, even if he kept himself strangely at a distance from her- almost as if he couldn't bring himself to face her.

Days passed, and Heiji's condition improved. It should have been a cause for joy.

But he wouldn't wake up.

The doctors told her, after much pressing, that if he didn't wake up within the span of a month, then there was a chance that he might never. Weeks passed, and turned into a month almost before anyone knew it, time moving forward, heedless of her prayers for it to stop. And still, he didn't wake- not even as one month became two, three, four.

After a year passed, they transferred Heiji to a hospital in Osaka. It was a delicate procedure, but everyone felt that he needed to come home. She was by his side the entire time, wondering if perhaps the noise of the helicopter would wake him up. Of course, such a thing didn't happen.

Time moved forward, like the worst kind of inevitability.

Perhaps it was because of his father's influence, but their high school allowed him to graduate, even though he never had a chance to attend his third year. Her feet felt like lead as she walked to the podium for a second time, accepting Heiji's diploma on his behalf, knowing this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. The mood that had been celebratory until that point suddenly turned somber, a quiet hush falling over the crowd from the very moment his name was announced.

She brought his diploma to his room in the hospital to show it to him, recounting the ceremony for him. About how the Principal had bit his tongue in the middle of his speech, about how the class valedictorian had broken into happy tears as he recounted his school life, and how everyone had let out a laugh both things. About how her father had cried, and how he had tried to pretend that he hadn't.

She bought a frame, and hung it up on his wall. They were awfully empty, she thought. It was almost too lonely of a room for someone like Heiji. She'd fix that herself- and set about to make the room more lively, giving it the feel that someone was here, and that they were a human being, with their own interests- not just a body lying in a bed, seemingly forever sleeping.

If this were a fairytale, her kiss would be able to wake him up. He'd grumble about being considered the princess this time, but then he'd show her that smile of hers- the one that she had fallen in love with. The one that she missed so much.

But it wasn't a fairytale. Even when she told him she loved him, even when she kissed him, even when she brought him the Valentine's chocolates that she had made by hand, he still wouldn't wake up. She ate them by herself, in the end. They were filled with her feelings with Heiji- something that she couldn't give away to anyone else, and certainly not something that she could throw away in the trash.

The chocolate that should have been slightly bitter, ended up tasting a bit salty.

Though she had put college off for a year, hoping that perhaps he would wake up in the span of it, and they could go together, she eventually knew that she couldn't any longer. She already knew what she wanted to do- to be a teacher. At first, she had planned to attend a different college, but in the end, she changed her mind. She didn't want to have to leave Osaka, didn't want to have to leave Heiji's side. She wanted to be able to see him whenever she wanted- there were so many things that she needed to tell him about, after all.

She would talk to him until her voice grew hoarse on some days, all while carefully tending to him. After three years in a coma, she supposed it was unavoidable that he would begin losing muscle tone. There wasn't much that she could do to completely stop it, but if she could hold it at bay somewhat, and make things just a bit easier for him when he woke up, then she would do it. The nurses were more than willing to teach her everything she wanted to know, including things that she wouldn't have thought to even ask.

He was the type who couldn't stand being off of his feet, after all. If she could cut down on his rehab time, even just a little, then she would do whatever it was that she needed to do. She knew that when she wasn't there, his mother would take care of the very same thing, tending to him and watching over him.

All while searching for any signs that he would wake up.

Other people visited too, of course they did. Heiji's own parents, of course, and hers as well. There was Otaki from police headquarters, and a number of other officers that he had worked with in the past. His classmates and club mates, of course- even his kendo rival, Okita, came once or twice. She caught sight, once, of a strange brown haired girl she had never seen before, and wondered if perhaps she was one of his fans. Ran, of course, came by quite often as well, as much to check up on her as to check up on Heiji, sometimes with Sonoko and Sera in tow. A few times, the Detective Boys came by, sans Conan, who was no longer with them.

That girl named Ai seemed to linger the most, even after her friends had gone downstairs with the Professor to get something to eat, a deep look of guilt wrought on her face.

And of course, _he_ visited as well.

Kudo Shinichi.

The first time they had crossed paths, she had yelled at him, venom dripping from her words. That he should get out, that this was his fault, that he was to blame. He had taken all of her words in silence, and in the end, had respected her wishes, and had left without another word. That had been back when they were both still teenagers at the time, and her hurt was too strong, too real. She wasn't able to forgive him.

She came to forgive him, in the end, though it took time. After all, if Heiji woke up, and found that she had destroyed his friendship with Shinichi, he would be furious with her. The strain it was causing Ran was another factor as well- she wanted to be respectful of her friend's hurt, but she also wanted to see the one she loved and the one she called her friend get along again.

Ran would never choose between them- she wasn't that sort of person. But it would only cause her pain, and she didn't want that.

She knew. She knew that Ran was holding back for her sake, all this time. She wasn't sure when she had quite realized it, but when she had, she had gotten on the first flight to Tokyo to tell her that it was _fine_. Just because she wasn't able to move on, and find that kind of happiness, didn't mean that _Ran_ had to keep herself trapped in the past. She didn't want that, and she knew that Heiji wouldn't either. Ran should find her own happiness.

Even so, she couldn't deny that it was with a certain bitterness in her heart that she watched Ran walk down the aisle. In her pure white gown, she looked more beautiful than she ever had- and for a moment, it was almost enough to make Kazuha sick. But then she had gathered her courage, drawing in a deep breath. Her friend's happiness was her own happiness, and how could she ever resent someone who smiled that joyfully when her lips parted from those of her now husband?

Life wasn't a fairytale, but Ran's prince had overcome his curse, and returned to his true form.

She was so happy for her, happy for them both- but in the end, there was a small part of her that couldn't help but resent her. It was never going to grow, nor would it ever be anywhere near enough to sour their friendship- but it was there, and she felt that she was better of acknowledging it's existence than trying to deny it. That was the sort of thing that broke friendships, and she didn't want that.

Of course, she made sure to tell Heiji _all about_ the wedding. She told him while laughing that Sonoko had caught the bouquet by accident, and had declared to Makoto that they ought to get married for a second time- and that he had almost taken her joke seriously. She had told him about the incredible wedding cake that they had, and the lovely ceremony, as well as the beautiful cathedral that it had taken place in. She painted a picture as vivid as if he had actually been there.

She didn't know if he could actually hear her, though she hoped it was the case.

When she graduated from college, when she found her first job, these were all things that she told to Heiji. She told him all sorts of things- about her fellow teachers, about her students, about the members of the aikido club that she was in charge of now. The team at the middle school that she was employed at wasn't the best, but she was going to turn them into a winning team, mark her words!

Whenever Shinichi solved a new case, she would tell him all about it, reading the newspaper article word for word- once she had finally forgiven him, of course. When Ran was selected to represent Japan in the woman's karate Olympics team, she told him all about it. When it came time for her big match, she watched it together with him. And of course, she made sure that Ran herself came to show him the gold medal that she had won.

Time passed, and changed so many things.

The only things that didn't change were her feelings- and the fact that Heiji remained asleep.

The tenth year dawned with the question if they should move him home or not. His parents would have been more than able to afford the costs involved with such a thing, and it would mean that his mother could look after him herself. She'd grown more gray, and not only just with time, Kazuha knew. It had taken it's toll on her.

It was a weight on all of them, really. Even Heiji's father, stoic though he always was, had grown more worn out. The chief of police who couldn't do anything to protect his son when he needed it the most- who could move mountains to apprehended a culprit, but couldn't wake up his own child.

Even though she knew that it would make things easier on everyone, she almost didn't want to at first. It almost felt as if moving him home was accepting defeat, accepting the idea that he might never wake up again. She didn't want that. She didn't ever want to throw in the towel, to admit that she might never see that smile of his again, never hear his voice again. That she would never be able to hear what it was that he wanted to tell her.

Even though she had a feeling that she already knew. It wasn't the same as hearing it from his own mouth, though.

She felt the same way, after all. Even after all this time. She couldn't fall out of love with him even if she tried. Not that she would ever even _want_ to. Some might say that she was foolish, holding on to such feelings for someone who might never wake up again, but they weren't something that she wanted to let go.

She didn't want to let Heiji go. The thing that scared her the most was the chance that he might one day disappear from her heart- she didn't want that.

There were days when she would always go see him, without fail, regardless of the circumstances. Even a typhoon wouldn't be able to stop her. Naturally, his birthday was on the top of that list, becoming a day in which everyone gathered together with him. The first time they had celebrated it, still in the hospital in Tokyo, she had held the faint hope that the amount of noise that they were making would rouse him from his slumber, complaining that he couldn't sleep through it all, but such a miracle never happened.

It was better than passing the occasion alone though. All Heiji's birthday marked at this point was another year gone by, another year that he hadn't been able to experience with everyone. But when everyone was together for it, somehow it served to ease their shared pain, making it somehow joyful again.

Christmas and New Year's, of course, she went to see him without fail. She would even get him presents- there was a stack of them that sat unopened in his room, the wrapping paper on the oldest starting to become worn and faded. He'd be mad if he woke up and found that she hadn't gotten him anything, after all.

There were more somber occasions too. Every year, she made sure to come to see him on the day that he had slipped into his coma. Oftentimes she would take the day off entirely, not wanting to deal with anyone else on that day. It was a day in which many other people came to visit as well, but unlike his birthday, it could never become a joyous occasion.

There was one day that was just for her, and only for her. The night before, without fail, she would always stay up late, working to make chocolates. She might just as well buy them at the store, knowing that he would never know the difference, never being awake to eat them, but she felt like if she did something like that, it would be giving up.

Every year, without fail, she would go to visit him on Valentine's Day, homemade chocolates tucked safely into her purse. And every year, without fail, she would eat her own chocolates, as the hand on the clock passed midnight, the day ending without him ever showing any signs of waking up. Visiting hours were long since over, but the nurses had since learned to let her be. She wasn't sure if they felt sympathy for her, or pity- perhaps a mixture of both. Whatever it was, she had long ceased to care about that sort of thing.

Every year, without fail, the chocolates that should have been somewhat bitter tasted of salt instead.

But still, every year, without fail, she refused to give up. Someone as stubborn as Heiji would never accept this as his fate- he was probably fighting hard in his own way, trying to wake up again. She was stubborn too, to the point where some might consider it to be a fault- but if she couldn't draw strength from that stubbornness, then where _could_ she draw it from?

"Ah, that's right, Heiji. I got a phone call from Ran the other day." Kazuha told him, a bright smile on her face, even as her grip on the colorfully wrapped box of chocolates sitting in her lap tightened. "She won a travel package ta a hot springs inn, an' wanted ta see if I would come with her an' Sonoko. Sounds fun, right? I'll be sure ta take a lot of pictures ta show ya later."

"Ah, Kudo-kun won't be comin' with us, though. It's a girl's outin' only." Kazuha said, letting out a small laugh, trying to ignore the ticking of the clock beside the bed. "Besides, if we bring him with us, there's a chance that we might just end up runnin' into some weird case. We can't have that!"

"Ah, that's right though. Did I tell ya already that one of my students is goin' ta be headin' to Germany to study music? That's amazin', right? Of course, everyone will miss him when he goes, but he's goin' over there to pursue his dream!" Kazuha told him. "When he becomes famous, I'll bring ya one of his tracks fer ya ta hear. He's the one who plays the violin, remember?"

"Heiji-" Opening her mouth, only to close it again, Kazuha closed her eyes. She didn't need to look at the clock to know. Taking in a deep breath, she felt her grip on the box of chocolates grow tight- before she relaxed it, letting out the breath that she was holding.

It was over.

"Honestly, every year, it's always like this. Makin' me eat my own chocolates." Kazuha told him, not daring to open her eyes just yet. Though she tried to hold them back, she could already feel them- that hot sensation around her eyes, the feeling of tears welling up. "What a selfish guy ya are."

She didn't cry much anymore. It had been ten years, after all. But on days like this, she couldn't help it. Rather, it would probably be bad for her if she tried to fight it. So instead of holding them back, she just let them flow, hot trails flowing down her cheeks.

"Won't ya wake up already, Heiji?" Her voice barely came out as a whisper, as she slowly opened her eyes. "Everyone misses ya. It's just not the same without ya around, ya know. Kudo-kun says that Hakuba-kun just doesn't give him the same feelin' that ya did. It would be fun ta go on a double date with him an' Ran too, ya know. Otaki-han is always complainin' that cases don't get solved as fast without ya around."

There was no response. Of course there wasn't.

"I see. If that's how yer goin' ta be, I'm just goin' ta have ta eat all of this delicious chocolate by myself." Carefully untying the ribbon from around the package, setting it aside on the table, Kazuha opened up the brightly colored box. "Even if ya ask, I won't give ya any, _idiot_."

Her words didn't match her expression at all. She knew that all too well.

She was the kind to believe in miracles, but she was starting to feel that she had none of her own left. Perhaps she had only ever had one, and she had used it up somewhere, without knowing it. With Heiji's luck, he probably never had any to begin with. There were fairytale endings in this world, to be sure- just perhaps not for the two of them.

For as long as she could remember, ever since he entered this state, he had never moved. The only things that kept them for mistaking him for the dead was the rise and fall of his chest, and the monitors that beeped steadily, letting them know he was still alive. Heiji had never been much of one for staying still- always bursting with energy- sometimes too much, his father would say. But for the past ten years, he had been utterly still, never moving an inch.

Until just now.

She almost didn't believe it at first. Her eyes were playing tricks on her, that must have been it. It was only when it happened for a second time that she felt something rise within her chest- and found herself rising to her feet with it, heedless of the now opened box of chocolates in her lap, not caring if they all spilled out over the floor.

"Heiji...?"

A third time. For a third time, his fingers twitched. For a third time, the sound of the monitors, their rhythm having been something that she had long since memorized, changed again. Slightly, slightly.

Maybe they had a miracle left after all.

* * *

He was dimly aware that he was waking up, from what seemed as if it were a very long dream. He could faintly make out the sounds of things happening around him, though he couldn't remember where he was- he could faintly hear the cluster of people that had gathered around him. There was a faint, rhythmic beeping sound that he was sure he knew from somewhere, but couldn't place at the moment.

It was a surreal experience to say the least. His own awareness felt distant from him, unable to fully grasp what was going on, nor where he was. He could barely even recall what he had last been doing, only having the lingering impression that it had been something important. His senses didn't feel half as sharp as they should have been, as if they were still groggy with sleep, lagging behind the rest of him. The lights overheard were bright, almost too bright, creating distorted shapes around him.

But he _could_ feel the sensation of someone holding his hand, and that, at least, was a sensation that he knew.

"...zuha?"

His voice cracked badly when he tried to speak, and he didn't know if it was actually that quiet, or if he just couldn't hear it quite right. Still, it was more than enough to throw the frenzied room into silence, as if everyone was waiting with baited breath to see what would happen next.

"Yeah." Faintly, he realized that she was grasping his hand with both of her own, cupping it in between them like a prayer. Her voice sounded different than he remembered it- older, more adult- but maybe it was his own hearing that was distorted. "It's me, Heiji. Do ya know where ya are?"

"...'ing clue."

He wasn't able to finish his sentence as he pleased, his voice hoarse as if it had been far too long since he had used it last, his jaw not working with him as he would like, but it was enough for her to understand. Enough for her to laugh, that joyous sound that he had fallen in love with somewhere along the line. His vision was slowly starting to clear, and what was just a vague shape that he couldn't quite make out slowly became more solid- starting with the green of her eyes, vivid against the white and gray and that surrounded her.

"Yer in the hospital." Kazuha told him, keeping her voice soft. "Do ya remember goin' ta help Kudo-kun?"

"Ah." He did, now that he thought about it. Something like that had definitely happened- but the hospital? That certainly would explain that beeping sound he had been hearing, one that he was slowly realizing was probably a heart monitor. Had he gotten injured?

It was no good. He couldn't remember. He could recall back as far as meeting his friend at the station, and then everything went white. _Something_ must have happened, otherwise he wouldn't be in the hospital though, and Kazuha wouldn't be by his side, her cheeks stained with tears. He was sure what was hanging off his wrist- very loosely, some small part of him couldn't help but note, certain that his wrists hadn't always been this thin- was a hospital wristband, but he couldn't make out what it might say.

It was a Kazuha that didn't look quite the same as he remembered her, but he would never be able to mistake her for anyone else. When had she stopped wearing her ribbon, and when had she cut her hair? His memories tried to inform him that he had only been gone for a week, but somehow, he got the impression that he had been gone for much, much longer than that.

"Ya've been sleepin' fer a long, long time, Heiji." Kazuha told him, reaching out to brush a stray strand of hair away from his face. When he had more of his senses about him, he'd probably complain about the length- she would try and trim his bangs for him at some point, she thought to herself. "Just take it easy fer today. Everything's goin' ta be alright."

Ah. So that's what it was. As he closed his eyes again, he felt Kazuha's hands stiffen, only relaxing when he let a smile cross his face, assuring her that he hadn't fallen asleep again.

He really was the worst, keeping her waiting for so long.

Not one second longer, though.

"...love ya."

It was all he could manage to get out at the moment. But it was all that he needed to say.

"Yeah." He felt one hand part from his own, no doubt reaching up towards her own eyes, wiping away a stray tear. "I love ya too, Heiji."

She didn't care at all that the Valentine's chocolates that she had spent so much time making had now been trampled underfoot, lining the soles of the nurses and doctors that hovered around his bed. It didn't matter at all.

It would come around again next year too. And when it did, she would be sure that her chocolates would be neither bitter nor salty- but sweet.


End file.
